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Nov
24
I was born and raised in Waynesboro, a small town in Georgia.
Population: 5,874. Race demographics: Black (62.5%), White Non-Hispanic (35.6%), Hispanic (1.2%), Two or more races (1.0%).
I never had time to hate that small town because I spent most of my time reading and daydreaming about graduation day: the day I’d leave Waynesboro and never look back.
My mother was extremely physically abusive. She beat me with telephone extension cords, orange electrical cords, her fists and anything else she knew would cause harm. She denies this ever happened and claims I’ve made it all up in my head. I don’t know if that’s her way of coping with the guilt, but what I do know is that it took years for me to “get over it” – whatever it was . . . whatever she claims it wasn’t.
For several years after high school graduation, I tried returning home for special occasions. Everytime I returned, my mother tried to hurt me. Since she couldn’t beat me anymore, she tried hurting me with insults - nasty words she’d throw at me in front of my then-husband and kids. In April 1996, I decided I didn’t need her and I didn’t need home. I haven’t been home since then.
In 2002, I tried reconciling with my mother. I flew her to Wisconsin. The plan was for her to spend 2 weeks with me and her grandchildren. The visit lasted 3 days. I put her on a plane and sent her home, asking that she not contact me again until she learned how to respect the adult person I’ve become. We’ve spoken very little since that day. I don’t answer my phone when the caller ID shows a Georgia area code. I always make the call go to voice mail.
Three months ago I decided it was time to go home again. My grandmother suffered 3 strokes in the past 2 years and I’d like to see her before she dies. My youngest sister got married and has two small children I’ve never seen. My other sister has two girls who are the same age as my children; our kids should get to know each other. The pain I felt for years growing up in my mother’s home has passed. It’s time to move on.
I’ve accepted that my mother is who she is and, most likely, she’ll never change. It’s wrong to avoid my entire family because my mother has a whole lot of hate in her heart for me. It’s wrong to keep my children away from their entire family because my mother and I are not friends.
Andrea, my kids and I are heading to Georgia tomorrow morning. We’re all very excited. The boys are excited they’ll finally get to meet “the Black side” of their family. They only know their father’s side of the family. I never realized how important it was to them to make that connection until they lit up with excitement when I told them we were going home for Thanksgiving. I plan to blog each day’s experience so I have something to look back on when I need a reminder that while family dynamics may be complicated, it’s extremely important (and comforting) to remain connected.
Comments
6 Responses to “Heading Home After 13 Years to Face My Demons”
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Being around family that we've drifted away from, for whatever the reason, is such an emotional experience. It is for me. I'm so aware of everything going on around me, because my senses are heightened. I thank you for sharing and look forward to hearing the details of your trip.
I wish you an abundance of peace this Thanksgiving and a safe journey, both physically and emotionally.
All the best. Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh…I wish you the best of luck. I completely understand what kinds of emotions you are going through. I have barely spoken to my mother in more years than I care to count. Just the thought of it stresses me still, although it is much less than it used to be. I'll be thinking of you, and I hope you and your family are able to truly enjoy each other.
We don’t get to choose our families, but we can decide how to interact with them, if at all. To accept your mother — with her anger and her many failings — is about all you can do.
All the best. Happy Thanksgiving!
As someone whose mother won't see me — neither will my siblings really, although they don't say so explicitly — I know the pain of being apart even if the situation wasn't always the best. I hope you have a wonderful trip, for you and your partner and your kids.
Hope it turned out okay. I'm on the outs with my parents as well. A day or so before I read your post, I read the book Chosen by P.C. and Kristen Cast that sums up my feelings about them: "If you can find some sense in that head of yours and want to see us because you love us as we are, then give me a call. If not, I don't want to hear from you again."