Hey Gay Guys: The Golden Girls Made You a Homo

The writers over at Christwire finally have the answer. We finally know the origins of male homosexuality – at least for a certain time period:

Many studies have been done on why the gays love The Golden Girls, but science can’t fathom the moral challenges and social upheaval of those historic times. The 1980s was an epoch of President Reagan’s manly wisdom and the terrifying threat of Cold War annihilation. America had sobered up from the flashy lights of 1970s disco. We were skipping all night cocaine and sex parties to focus on our careers. Spiritual leaders like Jerry Falwell were telling us that Christianity was in the majority again. On the other side, there was a subculture of homosexuality creeping up on our youths. It gave them an excuse to wear tight jeans and to sneak off to public parks for quick releases with hairy men of different ethnicities.

There ya have it. The Golden Girls made you a homo who likes cock from all ethnicities. You’re a big ol’ tight jean wearin’ queer because you watched Blanche, Sophia, Rose and Dorothy one too many times on television.

Apparently, the Golden Girls has been a part of the gay agenda for a long time. That show was created to ruin the very threads keeping our wholesome, apple-pie, white American society together:

It was only to be expected that our lonely boys exposed to these conflicted times would succumb to the nagging Golden Girls agenda. These were slender, unathletic children who were left out of the fun militarism of the Reagan years. Skyrocketing divorce rates ruined their faith in traditional relationships. Rock groups like Duran Duran and Styx encouraged big hair and overactive libidos. The show lit a match which enflamed their intense physical urges. With the utmost cruelty and immorality, The Golden Girls seized upon this opportunity to cross the hormonal wires of America’s lost generation.

The results were disastrous. Our horny, lonely boys sought out intimate comforts with likeminded Golden Girls addicts who didn’t mind each other’s theatrical voices and touch-feely hand gestures. Together, these clusters of awkward teens and twentysomethings bonded over their favorite episodes and characters, mimicking the voices and gowns of their tv friends. When the rush of cheesecake and gabfests wore thin, these hairless boys needed a harder thrill. They were so desperate for the next big trend they turned to same-sex sexual experimentation. What woman would have them now, anyway? This led to the worse excesses of early homosexual visibility– the most enormous of drag queens, the dirtiest of leather daddies, the most enticing of twinkie boys, androgyny, overeating, public sex and the birth of “camp.”

That’s the most asinine shit I’ve read in ages. Is that religious wingnut smokin’ some good shit or what? I guess one too many Xena episodes turned a whole lot of girls into lesbians. Or maybe it was all those Wonder woman episodes. Hmmm. . .

The author doesn’t offer an explanation for homosexuality in countries other than the US. I’m guessing we have to wait for him to pull that one from his ass. It might take awhile.

Update: I just learned that Christwire is a satirical site. The Onion should have this guy on staff.

3 comments

  1. @PBCliberal says:

    Check out <a href = "http://christwire.org/2009/10/the-golden-girls-how-one-tv-show-turned-a-generation-of-american-boys-into-homosexuals/#comment-20224">John Trapper's comments<a> on the original christwire.org piece. He calls Stephenson Billings out as a brilliant satirist, and I think he's right, though Billings had me foaming at the mouth until I realized my chain was being pulled by a master.

  2. Elle says:

    ChristWire is a satirical site.

  3. [...] gays now feel that they owe Betty White and are lavishly repaying the debt (see examples here and here and [...]

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