Archive for October 2009

Hey Gay Guys: The Golden Girls Made You a Homo

The writers over at Christwire finally have the answer. We finally know the origins of male homosexuality – at least for a certain time period:

Many studies have been done on why the gays love The Golden Girls, but science can’t fathom the moral challenges and social upheaval of those historic times. The 1980s was an epoch of President Reagan’s manly wisdom and the terrifying threat of Cold War annihilation. America had sobered up from the flashy lights of 1970s disco. We were skipping all night cocaine and sex parties to focus on our careers. Spiritual leaders like Jerry Falwell were telling us that Christianity was in the majority again. On the other side, there was a subculture of homosexuality creeping up on our youths. It gave them an excuse to wear tight jeans and to sneak off to public parks for quick releases with hairy men of different ethnicities.

There ya have it. The Golden Girls made you a homo who likes cock from all ethnicities. You’re a big ol’ tight jean wearin’ queer because you watched Blanche, Sophia, Rose and Dorothy one too many times on television.

Apparently, the Golden Girls has been a part of the gay agenda for a long time. That show was created to ruin the very threads keeping our wholesome, apple-pie, white American society together:

It was only to be expected that our lonely boys exposed to these conflicted times would succumb to the nagging Golden Girls agenda. These were slender, unathletic children who were left out of the fun militarism of the Reagan years. Skyrocketing divorce rates ruined their faith in traditional relationships. Rock groups like Duran Duran and Styx encouraged big hair and overactive libidos. The show lit a match which enflamed their intense physical urges. With the utmost cruelty and immorality, The Golden Girls seized upon this opportunity to cross the hormonal wires of America’s lost generation.

The results were disastrous. Our horny, lonely boys sought out intimate comforts with likeminded Golden Girls addicts who didn’t mind each other’s theatrical voices and touch-feely hand gestures. Together, these clusters of awkward teens and twentysomethings bonded over their favorite episodes and characters, mimicking the voices and gowns of their tv friends. When the rush of cheesecake and gabfests wore thin, these hairless boys needed a harder thrill. They were so desperate for the next big trend they turned to same-sex sexual experimentation. What woman would have them now, anyway? This led to the worse excesses of early homosexual visibility– the most enormous of drag queens, the dirtiest of leather daddies, the most enticing of twinkie boys, androgyny, overeating, public sex and the birth of “camp.”

That’s the most asinine shit I’ve read in ages. Is that religious wingnut smokin’ some good shit or what? I guess one too many Xena episodes turned a whole lot of girls into lesbians. Or maybe it was all those Wonder woman episodes. Hmmm. . .

The author doesn’t offer an explanation for homosexuality in countries other than the US. I’m guessing we have to wait for him to pull that one from his ass. It might take awhile.

Update: I just learned that Christwire is a satirical site. The Onion should have this guy on staff.

Daily Tweet Digest

What I Posted on Twitter Yesterday:

  • 12:01 Sex Toys, Books, and Music: Free Giveaways – #
  • 12:15 Stewart Discusses Childhood Sexual Abuse and Homosexuality – #
  • 12:35 Lesbian literary figure honored with Ohio historial marker noting sexual orientation – #
  • 12:36 Scottish police call for more gays and lesbians to report domestic abuse – #
  • 12:38 ‘Crash’ director Paul Haggis quits Church of Scientology in protest against ‘gay-bashing’ – #
  • 12:39 In Battle Over Gay Marriage, Timing May Be Key – #
  • 13:03 Secretary of the Army Says Military Ready to Lift Gay Ban (via @EqualityAmerica) #
  • 14:44 Lesbian and gay podcasts aggressively promote LGBT visibility – #
  • 15:34 She’ll make a great holiday gift. She’s 6 weeks old. Free to a great home. #
  • 17:54 @chickgonebad She lives with me near Madison, WI for now. She will need a new home by December. I can’t keep her. #
  • 18:09 @ZenobiaDTC The list was compiled from Twitter suggestions. Did you suggest any Bs for the list? #
  • 19:02 Heating up #muffmunchmonday with a show that’s all about REAL lesbian sex: (It’s our 1st anniversary show!) #
  • 03:16 Bed time. Finally. Good night everyone. #

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